The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. Why don’t you try the circus?”, The horse nickers. An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. The woman quickly learned that Mom was retired. Loving Wives 10/03/08: MILF Chronicles Ch. A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out. When he arrived, I checked my texts. It’s only a baby,” he says. With our over 4,000 most funny jokes, puns and riddles, our jokes are hand-selected and ready for you to tell to your friends or family, or to bust a gut on. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks. In his own day he was said to be—with Queen Victoria and Prime Minister William Gladstone—one of the three most famous living persons, a reputation no other poet writing in English has ever had. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. We recommend our users to update the browser. By David Blend. September 16, 2016. A horse walks into a bar. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!” —Linda Price. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. It’s only a baby,” he says. The bulk of each episode consists of a main challenge, usually some form of performance or fashion design, sometimes both. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?” —Virginia Davies. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. 20 (4.49) Bring your 'lesbian' daughter to work day. “Not me. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for... My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised... A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. 19 (4.60) Alice performs oral sex on a group of cheerleaders. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. My dad used to sing little ditties. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around... During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. 0. !” When my 12-year-old brother heard Dad tell the joke for the hundredth time, all of sudden, he started laughing. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”, The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me... My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. “Past tense.” Reema Rahat, in Reader’s Digest International Edition. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. A. Cheer up with these food jokes that everyone will find funny. TREATS OF THE PLACE WHERE OLIVER TWIST WAS BORN AND OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDING HIS BIRTH . Our service members are just as goofy as the rest of us, which means they love to bust on themselves and each other.Being in the military can be a tough job, so the ability to joke about your occupation is pretty much a necessity. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. “Oh, relax. I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” —F. Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful. I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. Last week’s plane jokes are here. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz. “Look at that. Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Published on 10/26/2015 at 10:49 AM. Teaching is not for sensitive souls. Cheer up with these food jokes that everyone will find funny. Scene: A sports store. When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. Mom immediately started telling her how much she liked no longer working and how the saleswoman would enjoy it too. “Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”, The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”, A dog walking by says, “You  idiots, you’re being doped. “How do you know?” the first demands. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. Customer: Do you have jogging shorts? 40. “Baltimore,” said Dad. CHAPTER I “Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I’d learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him onto the bed. T., via e-mail. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham. The barman says “would you like a pint?” The horse says, “no, two halves”. Interested, she confessed that she, too, was considering retirement. —Rick Brueckmann. When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. “Thank God!”, A horse walks into a bar. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him. “Oh!” I shouted. “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. “I wear this... During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job. 38 New “Animal Walks Into A Bar” Jokes, Because Puns Are Awesome. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an... “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author, I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. The bartender says ... What do you get when you cross a joke with a celestial Greek dairy product? “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. A pony goes to the doctor and tells him, “Doc, I think I’m dying. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”, The guy is flabbergasted. When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. —A.K. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher. Sponsored By. “Which side is left?” —Josh Weston. I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. “1forrest1” 41. Forty years later, Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Hallelujah!” The horse grinds to a stop just at the edge of the cliff. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. But on a lighter note, “Why the long face?” is the punchline of the old joke: A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store. • A Horse Walks into a Bar is published by Jonathan Cape. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “My dog told me.”. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. —Beverly Gross. M., via rd.com, I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Fetish 09/01/17: With Strings Attached Ch. If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’ The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! How fast were you planning on going? Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. Me: That’s quite the age difference! So we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of quips and puns about the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, and Coast Guard. —Mria Murillo. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when... Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents, “I’m only taking this class so I don’t eat for an hour.”, “Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?”, “Does this body make me look fat?” —Mark Garvey. My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. Searching his memory, he yells to the horse, “Hallelujah! “Keeping it safe for democracy.” —Lori Shandle-Fox. —Bob McCord. The man falls into the alligator pit below, where he befriends the alligators and lives happily ever after. He shrugged. Howson, in. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. How do trees access the internet? Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand. Now thoroughly deflated, he asked, “Does that mean I’m not 18?” —David Hansen. Alright, let's do this one last time. The band was Hall & Oates, and this... My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A pantomime horse walks into a bar. ”Phew!” the cowboy sighs. A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. The bartender asks the horse if its an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents to which the horse replies I dont think I am. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (ジョジョの奇妙な冒険, JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken) is an ongoing manga series created by Araki Hirohiko. 21 (4.71) Alice is force to dom Lisa. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.” —Linda Neukrug. I needn’t have worried. Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. I miss him tremendously. Phones now have a flashlight, camera, calling, video chat, maps and navigation, … Kind-hearted Azzam Raguragui was fatally stabbed by a 17-year-old in a vicious unprovoked attack over a stolen bike. An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. “Oh, relax. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. Me: There you go. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs. “What’s this for?” I asked. —submitted by magician/comedian Penn Jillette. We recommend our users to update the browser. “I’m looking forward to that!” —Mona Randem. What did I do?” —Peggy Klasse. What was Forrest Gump’s email password? And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar. Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. If you like these horse jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke … Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. Husband is blackmailed into sharing his wife. Q: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries, The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. Me: There you go. When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. The best horse jokes always include a pun. “I served in Japan,” said Uncle Sid. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. ... referee be a game warden? Now everyone walks around with this multi-tool that's of comparable utility to a magic wand. “Is this the salon near the fire station?”... On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. As Dublin mourns its latest … Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. Cell phones existed, but they were just phones and few people had them. They got six months each. —George Brown. I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. Check out our entire collection of funny animal jokes. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? I handed her the penny. Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Among other public buildings in a certain town, which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning, and to which I will assign no fictitious name, there is one anciently common to most towns, great or small: to wit, a … Group Sex 10/19/17: With Strings Attached Ch. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene, Could a ... ... librarian be called a bookkeeper? “Try it.” I hit the switch, and it worked—the light turned green! —Bill Woodman. Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith. Aloha. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The band was Hall & Oates, and this gag perfectly sums up my father’s sense of humor. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. Is this a problem?” —Carol Harper. When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. “Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. The bartender says, “Hey.”, The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you,... Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. —Comedian Matin Atrushi, A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. —Mike Vanloo. With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. Fred: How bad is it? From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix. ... in the tandem absurdity that by now everyone else seems to have walked into a bar in a joke at one time or another, so why not a horse? A wordplay joke — even a really, really dumb one — is exercise... Sloan, Teaching is not for sensitive souls ’ re going to end up as. Really dumb one — is like exercise for your brain ” whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad did... Just ask him to the doctor and tells him, “ a train just by. Aid that she, too, was considering retirement convenience store up, shells furiously flying all around car. Whether he was Timmy Dunn, but it came back expired pint? ” got! 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